


Trauma

by Ethan404Writes



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Levi-centric (Shingeki no Kyojin), M/M, Modern Era, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, drabble ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:28:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22145659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ethan404Writes/pseuds/Ethan404Writes
Summary: It'd be nice if the explosion on that day had simply ended his life.
Relationships: Levi/Eren Yeager
Comments: 7
Kudos: 45





	Trauma

**Author's Note:**

> cough  
> i have only now noticed that my latest works are focusing mainly on recent chapters with Levi  
> I am writing smth else though! But I had to get this out of my system when I saw the latest leaks for the new snk chapter...
> 
> Also I'm gonna try and write smth with other fandoms too... i'm just... slow and bad at writing so...... rip   
> and this is also my first ereri fic of 2020! Happy late new year everyone! I hope you all had a good time! 2020 is gonna be great (I hope)
> 
> so a couple more notes  
> this is unbeta'd, so it's probably a mess of tense-switching - I apologise  
> this takes place in a modern au, but is inspired by recent canonverse events  
> I am planning to write a continuation, and with that the rating will more than likely go up sooo
> 
> I'm uploading this now so I don't end up forgetting abt this lol
> 
> with all that out of the way, I sincerely hope you enjoy this ;w;  
> (One more thing, I have no clue when I will end up writing the continuation as I start college again tomorrow aaand I have other projects that I need to focus on as well)

“What would life have been like if he weren’t a soldier?”

“It would have been peaceful, surely.”

“That’s surely what it would have been like.”

A restless sleep. His fingers twitch as he clenches and unclenches his hands over and over again. They feel so very empty without the coldness of a gun in his hand.  
His chest rises and falls unevenly as soft, barely audible pants and groans leave his parted lips. His throat closes and constricts almost painfully as he attempts to speak - yet no words are present.

An eye that is moving without rest, as if searching for something. A deep, deep sleep. 

And a brain that cannot forget, cannot rest, cannot sleep. The brain never sleeps. Even as he would lay in that retched hospital bed, his brain could not shut off.  
Because, well, if it did - he would die. That much is obvious. The same goes for his organs, which work tirelessly each day to keep him alive.

His soul, though - that much he’s not so sure about.

What is it that keeps a body moving? What is life made of, if you tear it down to its core elements? Is it like electricity?   
Is that what the soul is?  
That’s something mankind has surely been asking itself for decades. And yet, even now, it does not seem to have reached an answer.  
Or maybe it has, and we’ve been blind all along. Maybe the answer was in front of us this entire time, and we’ve simply ignored it, thinking - “That can’t be all there is.”

But maybe that really is all there is to life.

He so vividly remembers that fateful day. Well, for the most part, at least. But mostly, of that day, he remembers the heat.  
The heat of that explosion.  
Oh no, he does not willingly bring those memories to the forefront of his mind, certainly not - but the brain is a wonderful, yet frustrating thing.  
It will bring back the pain just as you forget it - and then the cycle repeats.

His breaths start to quicken. He starts to thrash around, as he remembers that day. He grinds his teeth together as the blinding pain from the heat of the explosion embeds itself into his skin, down into his pores. 

His throat feels dry as he screams, it all feels too real now. It’s like he’s back. Back into battle, back to that day when he lost so much.

And then, faintly, ever so faintly - he hears a voice. He wants to reach out to it, but the waters of sleep fill his lungs as he’s pulled deeper, deeper down.  
He then feels something warm grip his wrists as they’re pinned above his head. But he continues to scream and flail, as the heat grows more, and his body burns more, more-

As the voice grows louder and clearer in his head, he realizes that it’s been saying his name this whole time. Pleading.  
His movements start to slow down as he’s gently pulled from the ocean of sleep. And then he begins to cry. Sob as tears roll down his face.

That voice, which always brought him back. That voice, which had saved him countless times. That voice which he treasured so deeply.  
The voice of the one he loves so dearly.

His beautiful, wonderful, Eren.

Soon his body is still as his sobs grow quieter and eventually, he’s able to open his eyes. Or, rather, eye.  
The room is dark, and he can’t make out the face of the figure hunched over him, but he knows who it is.  
His lovely Eren.

He opens his mouth to speak, but he can’t. His throat is so dry and his breath is so erratic. He recalls what Eren always did after Levi had an attack like this - he breathed.  
So that’s what he started to do - he breaths in, and out, just like Eren had taught him. He realizes that Eren has let go of his wrists as he coos and whispers soft praises and “It’s okay”, “I’m here”, “you’re safe”.

Soon he feels much more relaxed and his breathing is even now. He could almost fall back asleep, but that was the last thing he wanted to do.

He manages to sit up as he rests against the headboard of the bed. He can make out Eren’s face a little easier now. He sees the worry etched into his features, and a wave of guilt and regret fills Levi’s chest.

“I’ll get you some water now, okay? I’ll be back soon, I promise.” Eren waited for a response, but after receiving none, he leaves the room to quickly fetch a glass of water.  
And Levi is alone once more.

He didn’t want Eren to leave, but he knew he would be back anyway. He didn’t want to inconvenience Eren any more than he already did.  
And, well... he didn’t want to feel even more weak than he already did either.

Before Levi has time to entertain these self-loathing thoughts, Eren is back with a glass of water as he turns on the lamp beside Levi’s bed. Levi manages to nod, a “thank you”. Eren smiles warmly in return.

After slowly and carefully finishing the glass of water, Levi already feels a ton better. He clears his throat to speak.  
“Eren.” 

“Yes? Is there something else you need? Do you want to talk about it?” They both knew Levi didn’t want to talk about it. Besides, Eren probably already knew what the nightmare was about.  
He was there on that day, after all. Witnessing the entire thing.

Levi slowly shakes his head as he takes a deep breath - his eyes never meeting Eren’s. “...I’m sorry.” His shoulders sagging and his back hunched over, he felt so hopeless and weak. He hated this. He hated everything about this. Why did things have to turn out this way?

“Levi, don’t ever apologise. If I didn’t want to be here, if I ever thought you were annoying me, I would leave. I wouldn’t stay if I didn’t want to stay.” Levi swallows. He knew that, he knew Eren never once thought he was an inconvenience. But the doubt and self-hate always told Levi otherwise.

“Levi, look at me.” Levi doesn’t move. He feels a large and warm hand cup his cheek, the thumb softly stroking circles into his skin.   
No, don’t do this. Don’t start. Please don’t.

“Look at me.” He repeats. So he does, he does look. And he regrets it almost instantly, because he can’t stand those gorgeous eyes looking back at him with so much love and concern. It hurt. It hurt so damn much, that someone like Eren was doing everything for someone like Levi.

He didn’t deserve it. Eren deserved better, but the idiot- the amazing, kind, selfless idiot could never see it that way. It was in times like this where Levi thought he truly despised Eren.  
But of course he didn’t. He never could. But he really wish he could.

As if sensing what Levi was thinking, Eren shakes his head with a small, sad smile. “It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.”  
And in turn, Levi also starts to shake his head as the tears start once again. “Don’t lie. It’s not. It’s never been okay and it never will be. Stop lying to me. Stop... doing this.”

Levi sees a flame start to flicker in Eren’s eyes, a flame of determination and stubbornness. It was pointless to try and change Eren’s mind, Levi knew - but he truly couldn’t help it.

“You have no say in what I do. You have no right to tell me I shouldn’t care about you, or that I shouldn’t be with you. You have absolutely no right at all, Levi. If I want to take care of you and stay by your side until the day I die, well, that’s my choice to make. You can’t change my mind, and you can’t try to sway me either. I know you better than you think. I know when you’re lying and when you’re hurting.” And then, a soft smile appears on his face. “You’re everything to me. You make me so damn happy. I just want to make you happy too.”

Levi is silent. What the hell is he supposed to say in response to that? There were so many things he wanted to say, yet he couldn’t speak. He simply stares with his mouth agape.   
How he wished he could hate this man. But he couldn’t. It was simply impossible.

Well. If Eren is going to be like that, then Levi should just stop resisting it, right?   
He should stop fighting Eren and let him in. Of course, it wasn’t that easy, yet... Levi was sure Eren would find some way to break down Levi’s walls and into his heart.

He probably already has, and Levi’s fight up until this point was completely, utterly, futile. Yeah, the more he thinks about it, the more he’s able to come to that conclusion.  
He wants to smile. What a bastard Eren is.

Levi lowers his head and begins to smile anyway. He never thought giving up would be so freeing, so good.  
“Levi?” He hears Eren’s concerned voice. Without speaking, Levi leans forward and wraps his arms around Eren, holding him tight in such a warm embrace.  
And dammit, Levi can’t stop smiling now. How he adored this man.

Slow, hesitant arms wrap themselves around Levi’s still somewhat trembling frame. He can feel Eren’s heartbeat - it’s quicker than usual, he thinks.

And they stay like that, for a little while.

“Come on, I think a shower would do you some good.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please leave a comment, they make me incredibly happy ^^


End file.
